an innate sense of my junk

I think 75 percent of the posts I've made here lately have been tagged "penis envy," a concept I don't totally believe in but which is an easy way to express an idea I've been toying with for a while.  Diane Fuss writes of a kind of lesbian vampirism that fashion photography inspires in heterosexual women: a desire to both posses and be, to become as you possess.  Would I then be able to say that my own straightness is based on a variant of this idea?  There's a certain kind of affectation of masculinity that you only see in straight girls; it's so specific that when I see it in gay girls I do a double take.  It's an affectation that is derived of a similar kind of vampirism, such an intense desire to posses that it merges with a desire to be.  And I in fact can never tell which sentiment came first, did I desire so much to be like a boy that it became a desire to posses them? Or did I desire to posses them so much that I tried to become like them?  I started to write that this desire was genuine because I was sure that I would much rather be a boy than be a girl who attempts to dress, walk, slouch and talk in a masculine manner.  But the moment I typed that in I realized that it wasn't so clear cut.  What is cooler: a boy simply because he is a boy or a girl successfully affecting boyish behavior because she overcomes her femininity and yet projects the idea of a boy that only the self viewing the desired other can have?

k.e.